I know EACH and EVERY one of you has one desire that is so deeply embeded in your soul you don’t dare share it with anybody. The reason for this being that if it were to be revealed to the world you would be forced into exile on an island more remote than the island “The Real Gilligand’s Island” was filmed on it. Nevermind the fact I have no idea where it was filmed. My point is that you don’t want this desire to be revealed to anybody, no matter what. Think hard, don’t fear, you know it’s there. Think about it for a minute. You may have chosen not to think about it because of its really profound deep deepness in your soul. It’s okay. Think about it. Now, answer this question: why on earth do you want more than anything to be on a reality TV show? Honestly.

Following this sentence (which will probably end up being a really long run on sentence because I said that) is a list of ways you can combat this really deeply deep profound desire to be on a reality TV show or at the very least help you stop watching them which will then help you curb your desire to be on one because if you don’t watch you won’t think about it as much and then will stop wanting it because you’ll realize that the only thing real about reality tv shows is that some people like to use cuss words except they’re not beeped out in real life, which by the way is unfortunate for some of us – so I guess reality tv isn’t very real after all, anyway on with the list:

1. Get a camera, go sit by a tree, and record yourself insulting people you've known for 2 weeks.
2. Build a fire (in a fire pit) and vote those people out of your life... because life really is like that, or didn't you know? Record this on video as well.
3. Watch the video of yourself and see how ridiculous it really is.
4. Have a friend hide a kumquat in a tree, and then find it and eat it when you get really hungry.
5. And last, but not least, if none of the above work you might try spinning circles while chanting "come on eilene" for 20 minutes a day until cured.

And there you have it. If you follow the instructions precisely as outlined you will find yourself free of your deepest deeply deep down desire. Now that your soul is open to a new desire, I suggest something else to fill the void: kumquats. I’m not joking! Buy them. Dream about them. Think about them. Fantasize about eating them… in public places. After you’ve done this, would you do me a favor? Please tell me what a kumquat is. Thank you.