30 minute toast

One day over a decade ago I was working from a friend’s house. He got up off his computer proclaiming, “I’m going to go make toast.” He returned 30 minutes later, having made toast and eaten it. Plain toast. Not fancy avocado toast. Just plain toasted bread with butter.

30 minutes.

Toast has a half life of about 10 seconds1. You gotta grab it directly out of a hot toaster and butter it quickly. The hotter the better. If you’re not risking your life by grabbing the toast then you’re waiting too long. Wait too long and you’re going to be eating hard bread with cold butter on it.

How was my friend’s toast even edible? Did he bake the bread first? Was the bread frozen and he thawed it out by holding the entire loaf over an air conditioning vent? Did he think toast meant leaving bread out until it gets stale?

These questions have plauged me for the last decade.


  1. This is why it’s impossible to get good toast at a restaurant.

Parenting lots of kids

Ever notice that people with 20 children are like, “after the 3rd kid I stopped noticing any additional work! it totally gets easier. ha ha ha ha”

I think they’re all completely broken inside.

Books I read in 2019

My goal for 2019 was to read 12 books. I re-read 12 books and read 6 new ones for a total of 18. I’m including all the books I re-read in my list here this year.

I’m going for 15 in 2020.

Here’s the list of books I read in 2019, organized by date read.

  1. Skyward by Brandon Sanderson. This book is different from his usual books in that its a sci-fi book instead of fantasy. Turns out, he can do sci-fi extremely well.

  2. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling. I re-read these every few years.

  3. The Obelisk Gate (The Broken Earth, #2) by N.K. Jemisin. These books are incredibly well written and excellent, but I’m not sure I can continue the series. It’s weird: I like the story, but it takes too much mental effort for me to keep up.

  4. Wundersmith: The Calling of Morrigan Crow (Nevermoor #2) by Jessica Townsend. Wonderfully magical series.

  5. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling.

  6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling.

  7. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling.

  8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling.

  9. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling.

  10. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling.

  11. Legion: The Many Lives of Stephen Leeds by Brandon Sanderson.

  12. The Bayern Agenda by Dan Moren.

  13. The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal.

  14. Age of Legend (The Legends of the First Empire, #4) by Michael J. Sullivan. Solid installment in a very good series.

  15. Theft of Swords (The Riyria Revelations, #1-2) by Michael J. Sullivan. First time re-reading this series. Just as good the second time through it.

  16. Rise of Empire (The Riyria Revelations, #3-4) by Michael J. Sullivan.

  17. Heir of Novron (The Riyria Revelations, #5-6) by Michael J. Sullivan.

  18. The Crown Tower (The Riyria Chronicles, #1) by Michael J. Sullivan. This is a prequel to the Riyria Revelations, but if you do read the series read this one after the Revelations series.

Rejected Medical Definitions

blister | ˈblistər |
noun

  1. painful bubble
  2. ouchy

zit | zit |
noun informal

  1. embarassing bubble
  2. mount faceuvius

canker | ˈkaNGkər |
noun

  1. a rift in time and space

ingrown toenail | ˈinɡrōn ˈtōˌnāl |
noun

  1. satan’s revenge

hemorrhoid | ˈhem(ə)ˌroid | (British haemorrhoid)
noun

  1. the Spanish word for “gross”

diarrhea | ˌdīəˈrēə | (British diarrhoea)
noun

  1. a real bummer

Tastes Like Caramel

Have you ever had a meal with people who only eat super gross super healthy food? They’ve often been on these gross diets for so long that they think their health food alternatives taste good.

They’ll be like, “Mmmmmm have a bite of this locally sourced kale mash. I added a bit of honey and it tastes like real caramel.”

Spoiler: it doesn’t taste like caramel.

They have forgotten what caramel tastes like.

Fake caramel tastes better.

These people should wear little dietary bracelets that say, “healthy eater.” That way emergency medical professionals will know they can revive them by putting actual caramel in their mouths1. They will wake up and think they’re in heaven.


  1. Don’t ever do this to a passed out or sleeping person.