The other day a friend of mine told those of us around him that he was going to get on his soap box for a while. The first thought to cross the bright and happy recesses of my mind was “what kind of soap is or was in the box?”
After he was through, I asked him. He said he’d have to think about that for a while before answering. I kind of think he’s forgotten about that so I’ve taken it upon myself to classify different brands of soaps and their boxes into different personality types and other fun stuff. I’ve done this by typing random things that come to my mind. No studies or anything like that have been made to mess up these really accurate descriptions.
Generic brand
You’re opinion is not what matters, only that you have one. Box is made of cardboard so don’t stand on the box too long, it won’t last. Especially in the rain. Rain = not good for cardboard boxes. Lucky for you new boxes are pretty easy to find.
Olay
You enjoy ranting and raving about anything to do with Spanish pop culture. Hard to say why.
Ivory
You’re definitely not an environmentalist, because simply using a soap named “Ivory” could jeopardize your entire career. On the other hand, you probably enjoy going on about how fun it is to play that old piano in the attic with keys made from elephant tusks.
Zest
Democrat. Actually, I have no idea. I just thought throwing in Democrat somewhere would be fun. So let’s look into the implications of what that could mean… it could mean A) You are a democrat. B) You aren’t a democrat C) You read that and thought “Democrats use soap?”
Irish Spring
Republican. Why? Well, I believe the first person to ever tell me about Irish Spring was a Republican. How’s that for a good reason? It’s possible you believe that Democrats don’t use soap.
Dial
Main stream. You seem to go along with what everyone else around you thinks. Or not.
Fruit Essentials
You’re either female, really like the smell of fruity soap, or someone female or someone that really likes the smell of fruity soap buys the soap you use. You must get out more… if you don’t like it that is.
Bath & Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry Anti-Bacterial Gentle Foaming Hand Soap with Aloe Vera and Vitamin B5
This happens to be one of the few foam-soap thingies I’ve used that actually feels like I’m washing my hands with soap. All other foam soap things I’ve used feel like the manufacturer chose to make it so they could charge the same price without any significant amount of soap actually getting onto your hands no matter how hard you try. All of this, of course, means that it must come in a pretty nice soap box. So uh, be glad you have a high-quality soap box.
Strong smelling soap in public restrooms
You travel a lot and have seen quite a bit of the world in which we live. Because of this, you have (I’m not making this up) an opinion (*gasp*) about each place you’ve been. Ironically enough, you find that people who don’t travel very much have opinions about the places they’ve been. Whoa!
All Natural
Do you think the usage of All Natural soap has an effect on the process of making Jelly Bellies? Hard to say.
Industrial Strength
You could be in law. You could be a doctor. You could be something else. If you’re something else you probably just like to be really really really clean, or your job demands it. If you’re a lawyer, everyone who has ever met you probably knows that you have a strong opinion about everything and anything. In fact, those that know you try to avoid hearing your opinion at all costs. If you’re a doctor, people enjoy listening to you talk about the last intestinal infection you helped clean out. Then again, maybe they don’t enjoy it. Yeah, most likely not (unless they’re doctors too).
Disclaimer: Consider this column disclaimed. If one of the above descriptions actually matches the soap you use and how you think, it must mean that I’m a genius. If it doesn’t match at all, well… that’s normal and has nothing to do with my intellect.
I’m kind of embarrassed about the description for Olay. You see, I speak Spanish and can’t think of a time anyone ever said olay olay olay like that one song so many people know and sing, but hey… I thought it was kinda funny.
So next time you tell people that you’re about to get on your soap box, tell them what kind of soap is or was in the box. If someone tells you they’re gonna get on their soap box, wait and see if their topic of choice is boring. If it is, interupt them in the middle of their rant and ask what kind of soap is or was in the box. That should throw them off. Good luck.
No elephants were harmed in the writing of this extensive whatever you call it.
Copyright 2004 by Ryan Martinsen.