rap·per n. One who performs rap.

Recently, on a highly esteemed online forum, after posting this amazing piece I was nominated to be president of URWA:

Balance in the force. Balance in the swing… not only with your dance partner, but in how we build the scene.

I don’t really remember what it stands for or if that’s even the right acronym, but I thought I’d let you know that URWA does not stand for “United Ryans Wearing Aprons”. I believe the A the U and the R stand for Rappers, Utah, and Association, irrespectively. Maybe it stands for “Utah Rappers With Associates degrees”. Who knows. Anyway, regardless of what it stands for I thought this would be a good time to take a look at my rapping roots and why I think I’d be a good president for this URW something club or whatever it is.

Looking at Ryan’s roots. Why Ryan is a good rapper:

• Ryan has opinions on all sorts of things and understands that people will listen to him no matter what kinds of things he says as long as it's rap.
• It's hard to find "normal person" pants that fit Ryan since he's rather lurpie... I mean tall. So since rappers wear pants that barely come up to their knees it makes it really easy for Ryan to find pants that work well for the job.
• When Ryan wears a baseball cap or some other kind of cool head wrap thing it makes him look about 10 years younger than he really is. There's nothing quite as exciting as a 12 year old rapper.
• Ryan has lots of good rap dancing moves like his famous "maybe if I act like I have not three, but two scorpions in my shirt people will leave me alone" dance.
• Ryan can point his finger in random directions when he sings just like all other rappers.
• All the girls would scream if Ryan shaved his head.
• Ryan knows everything about that famous rapper named Two-Pack.

What Ryan would do as club president:

• Bring rap out of obscurity for all those tall, luprie, squeaky voiced, head shaven 12 year old white boys trying to make their way in a world dominated by people with names like M&M. Then again, maybe not.
• Demonstrate his rapping abilities on a weekly basis at events such as chess championships. Just off the top of his head, Ryan says that a chess rap might go something like this: Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? Is it a pawn? No, maybe it's a... No, maybe it's a... No, maybe it's a... No, maybe it's a... No, maybe it's a... uh uh uh uh. Maybe it's da queen. Da queen. Da &%@#! queen of da $#%@ board. Da king and da queen. I want da king. I want your king. Gimme gimme gimme. Gimme your king. UHHHH! Checkmate. Let me hear ya say checkmate. Checkmate! I got da king. Da king. Your $#@%$! king. (Note: where the $#@!%$^ characters are, Ryan would say "amperstand, percent sign, e-mail thingy at sign, sharp symbol, dollar sign, exclamation point. And he'd say them really really fast because that's what cool rappers do. What did you think? Ryan is a clean rapper. He doesn't cuss the real way.)
• Teach everyone how to make up cool raps and dances on the spot without using any actual brain power.
• Educate everyone about that really famous rapper Too-Pack, Ryan's friend.

All that being said, I’m sure you will agree that I am the best possible candidate for the president’s seat in the URWA or whatever it is. Please know that I am taking this very seriously. It would be with much solemnity and yes, even solemnity that I would take this position upon my shoulders. When I first read of my nomination for this position I was taken back. My initial thought was that it would be a lot of work. After pondering it for about 3 seconds I decided that it would actually be a lot of hard work. Serious hard work of course. Rapping is one of those things that on the surface appears to be something that doesn’t require a whole lot of talent, but when you look deeper you find that, in reality, it really doesn’t require a lot of talent. Which is why a leader such as myself would be key in our endeavor to broaden rap’s reach into the unknown: classical music. No one could possibly be better qualified for the job than I am. I’m sure my good friend Two-Pack would agree.

Yours truly,

Ryan

P.S. I don’t like rap. I have nothing against people who like rap or who actually rap.