Real Life Super Power

I am a superhero.

There’s a movie coming out based on my life. The hero is this tall, handsome, super ripped dude who can always pick the longest line in grocery stores.

The movie will focus on how awful he feels every time he shops. How could he ever be worth anything to anyone?

And then one day he stops a robbery by accidentally forming a long queue at a store exit. With this life-altering experience under his belt, he realizes he is already more than enough. He can be happy.

He is found by a mentoring father-figure with an eye patch over one eye who helps him control his power and guides him to fulfill his ultimate purpose: that of a TSA agent1.

I fully expect the movie to create long lines at movie theaters across the globe.


  1. Did I say this movie was based on my life? Movies do tend to take artistic liberties. If it were more accurate to my actual life it’d be about me creating an algorithm that should run in O(1) time, but would always run in O(n²) instead. Have you ever tried to purchase Hamilton tickets on one of those websites with an online queue system? I guarantee the developers who made those systems have the same super power that I do. (Note to future, humorless interviewers: this is a joke.)

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