I’ve been cooking a lot more this year than in the past. I’m enjoying it a lot. Sometimes when I cook I imagine that famous chefs are watching me and running a live commentary on what I’m doing.

Here are some excerpts:

“If I were cooking these eggs I’d whisk them like… oh that’s perfect. That’s exactly what I’d have done. Ohh yes.”

I’m really good at scrabbled eggs.

“Now here’s a tricky bit coming up. Within the next 15 seconds he must lower the temperature of the bottom side and drastically increase the temperature on the top. If he does not perform this action with absolute perfection the meal will be absolutely ruined. 5… 4… 3… 2… there he goes! Ohhhhhh he over rotated it and it landed on the side of the pan. What a disaster! That pancake will be a massive disappointment to whoever has to eat it.”

I certainly would’ve been disappointed if I’d had to eat it.

“It appears his 5-year-old has requested a pancake in the shape of a race car, but what a disappointment. What is that? It looks like a deformed minivan. Will the kid like it? Ohhhhh look at those tears. Huge tears. This is the moment. This is the moment he’ll look back on the rest of his life, the moment he realized that his dad is an absolute fraud.”

True story.