On the surface I’m just an average 27-year-old guy, but when you look closely you’ll discover that I am, in fact, just an average 27-year-old guy. I like to think I’m different, above the mark, funny, comical, smart, intelligent, witty, hilarious, though perhaps a bit repetitious.
I haven’t been shopping in quite a while. And by quite a while I mean since June. While it may be a slight exaggeration, it’s not too far from the truth (because that’s what slight exaggerations are: not too far from the truth).
I moved to New York City in November of last year, right after Thanksgiving. My apartment is located in Spanish Harlem on the island of Manhattan; my roommate and I call it Hotel Harlem. The reason for this name is obvious: we know a lot of people and a lot of people come to have sleepovers. We have an uncomfortable couch and a few uncomfortable air mattresses. Perfect for a hotel.
At the end of April we had a friend come stay for a few weeks. While here she ended up getting a job. So she came back to work for the summer a few weeks after her vacation was over. She was originally going to live somewhere up north, but that didn’t work out so she ended up in Hotel Harlem for the duration.
When you have someone living rent-free on your couch for 3 months, and that person is not a jerk, they tend to do nice things like buy food, cook food, clean the dishes, etc. In other words, I haven’t needed to go shopping much in the last 3 months.
All of that is the long way of saying: I am out of food.
Like, almost completely out of food. This isn’t exactly a new situation for me to be in, but it’s never a fun one.
So imagine my surprise when I realized that our nearly-permanent Hotel Harlem guest didn’t clean up after herself! She left peanut M&M’s, some chocolate, and gingersnaps. That’s like enough food for a week! Or perhaps just an afternoon.
What would you do if the only food items you had were peanut butter, gingersnaps, chocolate, milk, butter, tapatio hot sauce, apple sauce, eggs, old cookies, honey, pancake mix, syrup, and grape nuts cereal?
That’s right. Mix it all up and eat it.
No, I didn’t do that. I don’t have a blender.
This is what I did:
- Ate some peanut butter
- Ate some gingersnaps and peanut butter
- Gingersnaps + milk!
- Gingersnaps + butter
- Gingersnaps + honey
- Gingersnaps + chocolate
- Gingersnaps + syrup
- Gingersnaps + tapatio hot sauce
- Gingersnaps + ketchup
At that point I knew it was time to stop. The ketchup wasn’t even mine. Sorry, roommate.
It was with this that I came to the realization that I am just an average 27-year-old bachelor. Single men do weird things. And I am one of them.
If you’re ever starving with gingersnaps and ketchup, don’t worry, it’s not as gross as it sounds.