Some people call it weird, others call it really weird. Either way, I see it as humor. Let me give a little bit of background on this one. Around midnight on April 10th, 2004 my girlfriend's father approached me and said something like this: "You know Ryan, most parents have little subtle tests they like to give to their daughther's suitors to decide what they think about the guy. You know, figure out if he's okay for their daughter. So here's my subtle test. In my hand I'm holding this juice. I want you to take this home and drink it, or at least attempt to drink it and then write a detailed analysis on what you think about it."
Um... okay! I can do that. So I went home that night and wrote this...
Copyright 2004 Ryan Martinsen April 9th, 2004 was a usual day, nothing terribly out of the ordinary. Midnight passed. It was now April 10th of the same year ... it seemed to be normal, but was it? Only time would tell. The punch came. No, not a hit to the face, ankle, arm, midriff, or the neighbor three or even four doors down, this punch was much different. It was a dazzler, but not just any dazzler. It was fully pasteurized, had 100% Vitamin C RDA, and was fortified with Vitamins D & E. Each 8 oz serving of Dazzler™ contains 1/3 the Calcium of a glass of milk. That's what dazzled me anyway (no pun was explicitly or inexplicitly intended for the use of small goats or sheep... whatever the case may or may not actually be depending on the current status of the rover Spirit on planet Mars). I knew this was no ordinary green punch (I failed to mention earlier that it was green). Anyway, I (HERE AFTER KNOWN AS END-USER) was asked to drink or attempt to drink the DAZZLER (HERE AFTER KNOWN AS AND ONLY AS "GREEN LIQUID") and to provide an analysis (ANALYSIS) on it. So here goes. Thoughts and emotions of END-USER prior to opening of GREEN LIQUID: There it sits, almost gracefully. Silently serene might be a better way to describe the manner in which it sits on the desk, seemingly without sentiment or opinion. The GREEN LIQUID is almost reassuring (or is it?). "Drink me!" it bids the END-USER. It's at this moment END-USER asks himself, "What does GREEN LIQUID and the physiological chemistry break down of an apple seed have to do with Jupiter's satellite IO?" It is questions like these that bother me (note that only "I" is supposed to be END-USER, not "me". Some, however, may beg to differ since both "I" and "me" usually refer to the same person when that person is speaking in first person. So the reasoning behind it is that this is kind of like a legal document and legal documents have an inclination to be stubborn. So why not be stubborn about it? So what if the person is speaking in 3rd person? That gets kind of confusing. Anyway, END-USER would then tell those begging to differ to take their differ begging to somewhere besides the deep recesses of those parts of the mind where thought patterns are known to be hazardous to health food professionals.). Yeah so the bottle is still sitting there holding its secret. What will GREEN LIQUID (now known as "DAZZLE ME GREEN") taste like? What won't it taste like? Chances are it won't taste like a lot more than it does taste like. END-USER mean (read: "I mean") what if it tasted like cashews? That would be weird, but it's even weirder to think of it like this "what if it doesn't taste like carrots?" What if it smells like the fresh scent of fresh (good thing it's a fresh scent of something fresh) sugar beets on a hot August afternoon? An even better question is "are sugar beets harvested in the month of August?" What if it doesn't smell like that? What if Jupiter's satellite IO all of the sudden reversed its orbit? These are the kinds of questions that only some may have the answers to. Or maybe that no one would have the answer to. Well who cares, one must wonder? Or do they wonder? Do they ever wonder what lies just 1 mile underneath their rear end as they sit and watch the latest or oldest movie... as the case may or may not actually be inexplicitly stated by governmental officials of Ecuador? Who knows. Who cares. Not END-USER. Thoughts and emotions of END-USER (BOB) just after opening DAZZLE ME GREEN (PRODUCT): BOB can smell the pasteurized PRODUCT. Is this supposed to smell pasteurized? I think not. Do pasteurized products really smell different than non-pasteurized products? We decided to ask. We asked lots of experts from all over with titles such as "expert", "genius", "really smart", and (our favorite) "WWF wrestling champion" what they thought about the smell of pasteurized products and Twinkies. Listed below are just a few of the responses we received from our experts with experience: "When taken into consideration with the fact that Twinkies are not actually a fruit, are not bottled in any kind of a bottle, contain little to no nutrients, are probably not pasteurized, and cannot be destroyed by being thrown off a 15 story building I (this is not the normal "I" therefore it is not "BOB") would say that the smell of pasteurized product has little to nothing in common with a Twinkie." "In the ring I rarely think of anything but Twinkies. Twinkies are my life-line. They keep my sanity safe." "Vanilla Wafers can be dipped in pasteurized milk. That is the extent of my expertise on pasteurization." Little did our expert know that many, many things can be dipped in pasteurized milk. Even rocks, but who would want to? Not BOB. Thoughts and emotions of BOB ("I") just after tasting PRODUCT for the first time: I would say that it's quite unlike anything I've ever before tasted. I mean, it's like a lot of juices I've tasted, but there is something interestingly different. Just what it is I cannot pin down. I bet it's because it's Fully Pasteurized using a Full (Tunnel) Pasteurization Process that insures purity and seals-in flavor! That has to be it. Second run through the first step of the digestion process: Whoops. Better make that the third run through, couldn't help but drink it again. You may ask yourself "what on earth could he be thinking this time?" To which I would simply respond "ask thou not thyself and thou just might receive unto thyself an answer from which ye may or may not benefit... most likely not." I will not assume that you have chosen to ask me instead of yourself. SO what was I doing again? Oh yeah, an ANALYSIS on PRODUCT. For those of you who have just joined us, this is an ANALYSIS (which word is being used in this document to represent "analysis" with all of its complexities and simplicities combined in such a way as to represent the most confusing hypotheses ever. Or something like that) of PRODUCT (a green, dazzling drink). The outcome of this ANALYSIS will provide not only France with an amazing outlook on life, but will also provide the small outer cities of Australia ("outer" as perceived by the center, or capital) with something they have absolutely no use for. It is hoped that this ANALYSIS is almost done. It's now all gone and the lid is back on, waiting to be thrown away. Some may think it sad, others may feel glad. I feel no desire to be mad. I just feel tired. Was it the PRODUCT that brought this feeling to me? Nope. It's probably because it's really late and I need to go to bed. Was it worth it? It sure as heck better be. How will you know? I will know when I'm graded by the accountant who gave me the assignment. What does this kind of analysis have anything to do with accounting? We are all accountable for the things we have accepted to do. So whether or not that means Pluto will, in fact, be used for the discovery of intelligence on Earth we do not know. What we do know is that the PRODUCT passed my test. It was good enough. But wait, what is "good enough"? Is it good enough for someone else? I don't care right now. I just want sleep. The end.
DISCLAIMER: THE POINT OF THIS DISCLAIMER IS TO BE SURE THAT ALL POSSIBLE CLAIMS AGAINST BOB (END-USER) ARE DISCLAIMED IN THE MOST CONFUSING AND CONCISE WAY POSSIBLE TO MEN WITH PhDs IN NOT ONLY PHYSICS, BUT IN PUBLIC RELATIONS AS WELL. RELATIONS TO WHAT PUBLIC SOME MAY SPECULATE WITH OPEN MOUTHS AND CLOSE MINDS. RELATIONS TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE, OR LARGE PUBLIC. SMALL PEOPLE ARE NOT INCLUDED WITH THE REGULAR PACKAGE. TO AVOID CONFLICT WITH THE SMALL PUBLIC THAT HAS RECENTLY BEEN AT LARGE IN THE COMPARATIVELY SMALL CITY OF PASON UTAH (SMALL WHEN COMPARED TO ANYTHING REALLY) WE MUST TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THAT SMALL PEOPLE HAVE BIG EGOS. THEREFORE IT IS HEREBY DISCLAIMED WITH THIS PROFESSIONAL DISCLAIMER THAT A BIG CORPORATION AND ITS SUBSIDIARIES HAVE NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER IN OR OUT OF ANY JUXTAPOSITION WITH THIS DOCUMENT OR ANY OTHER FROM OF ANALYSIS OF ANY KIND OF DAZZLING DRINK WHETHER EXPLICITLY COMMUNICATED OR INEXPLICITLY MISCOMMUNICATED. ANY DUPLICATION OR MISREPRESENTATION OF THIS WORK BY ANY EMPLOYEE OF ANY COMPANY WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT POSSIBLE UNDER ANY LAW.
ROCKS WERE NOT DIPPED IN ANY PASTEURIZED MILK, NO CASHEWS WERE CONSUMED, AND NO COWS WERE HARMED IN THE PROCESS OF THIS ANALYSIS. BELIEVE IT OR NOT PASTEURIZATION IS NOT SOMETHING COWS DO WHEN THEY ARE MILKED AND THEREFORE WAS NOT STOLEN FROM COWS TO PASTEURIZE THE PRODUCT USED IN OUR TESTING. NO TWINKIES WERE WITHIN AT LEAST 500 FEET OF TESTING SITE. ALL OTHER POSSIBLE CLAIMS ARE DISCLAIMED IN CLAUSE 4, WHICH HAS BEEN EXCLUDED FOR YOUR BENEFIT.
Le Nature's Green Dazzler Punch is a trademark of Le\*Nature's, Inc.
Copyright 2004 Ryan Martinsen
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